Mama Güs Talks FAQs and Figures

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I want to tell you about this new family I have…

They haven’t replaced my old family, but they’ve found a spot in my heart and they give me warm fuzzies. We Skype each other for a quick chat and end up gasbagging for hours. We encourage each other and celebrate our individual wins together. We genuinely want each other to achieve our highest potential, and we’re in this not just for our own families, or ourselves, but for our new family too.

And they call themselves…Wrap Girls! (and also a few guys scattered here and there)

Since joining It Works! Global I’ve ‘met’ some amazing women, and I really want everyone to share in this incredible journey I’ve been on. I want you to join our family and experience this crazy ride I’ve been on the last few weeks! It’s not hard, you will never regret it, and you will thank me for it in a few years’ time when you’re earning a crapload of money and wrapping the world in green, black and bling!

Obviously, you’ve got a lot of questions – so let’s answer them!

How soon will I start making money?

Well, that’s really up to you! How you run your business dictates how much income you generate. If you run it like a hobby, you will be able to break even but you’re not going to go much further than that. If you want to make money you reap what you sow – within 60 days you could be earning over $600 a month in commissions alone, with wrap cash on top of that, but only if you try to make your business work!

Our Presidential Diamond upline earns 5 figures per month, 6 figures per year, after just 4 years in the business. Think about that one…

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How much does it cost?

Kit prices vary from country to country. If you’re in New Zealand, you’ll pay $185 which gets you your website, back office, marketing materials, a half size roll of Fab Wrap, 4 mini defining gels and a box of Ultimate Body Applicators (wraps). WHICH, I might add, is more than I got in my kit because right after I signed they upgraded them and kept the price the same!

You’ll also pay about $25 per month for your website (first month is free) and you need to have an 80BV autoshipment set up to run once a month. This is a good opportunity to get extra wraps in your physical inventory, and trust me, you will be able to afford it if you keep putting your wrap cash straight back into the business.

Do I have to do parties?

No, you don’t. BUT let me tell you from personal experience (because this was actually the question I asked my upline before I signed!) that even if you come in not wanting or thinking you don’t have time to do parties, once you’ve done just ONE you kind of catch a bug and want to do more! Probably because once you see the money you just made and the Loyal Customers you just signed up, you get addicted… It’s a really nice feeling making money again, after not having worked for over a year because babies 😉

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No doubt there are plenty of other questions running through your mind right now, and I’m more than happy to answer them. Now let’s hear some excuses as to why you can’t become a distributor and change your and your family’s future for the better…(sarcasm, guys. Prepare yourselves.)

I can’t afford it right now…

That’s the whole point though, isn’t it? If you had enough money you wouldn’t be searching for a way to make more. Subconsciously you KNOW you can afford the start-up cost, especially because you can pre-sell the wraps that come in your kit before you even receive them! I signed my first 4 Loyal Customers within 5 days of each other from the comfort of my couch, sold a few wraps at RRP and BOOM – I had not only broken even but earned 2 wrap rewards and $135 in product credit to spend on MORE WRAPS. Do the math – Break even + free product = AHEAD.

I don’t have time, I’m way too busy with my full time job/ kids/ study / spending my entire day on Facebook…

This is not an excuse I came up with. I decided I needed to become a Distributor because I want to help my hardworking and incredibly handsome fiance to provide for the family. I have 2 children, at the time of signing they were 8 months and 2 years old. I am home with them alone 3 days a week, they are in daycare 2 days a week while I’m at University studying Law, and they are with their daddy on a Monday while I go to the gym and then Uni. I also look after the accounting side of his business. At night time I clean the house, study, and intermittently update Facebook. Throughout the day I play with my kids, catch up with girlfriends, and even take the kids out to do a quick blitz around town! It Works fits into my current lifestyle seamlessly. It’s about talking to people, that’s all it is!

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If you spend any amount of time on social media per day, you have time. NEXT!

I don’t know how to be a salesperson…

Neither do I! But that’s great, because a lot of salespeople are pushy and annoying. You don’t have to be a ‘salesperson’ – just be your amazing self!

It’s so easy to have a casual conversation with people you meet on a day to day basis and just insert your new business into the conversation! I could be sitting there getting my hair done, paying for my groceries, having a chat with the lovely lady in the supermarket who’s admiring my gorgeous children in the trolley, talking to the teachers at daycare…in all of these instances, I can and have managed to either hand them a blitz card or get them to ask me for one!

If you can talk, type or sign, this business is for you.

I don’t know many people…

Yeah but…you have like 600 friends on Facebook?

Call in a favour – create your distributor page and ask them to like it for you! Then tell them that if they love you they’ll take 5 seconds out of their day to share it on their personal Facebook page. Then go down the road and get a coffee, and while you’re doing that pop into a few stores and ask if you can leave some coupons for their customers…

My 4th Loyal Customer lives in the USA, and she found me on Instagram searching one of my hashtags. Social media is a powerful (free!) resource.

I don’t have a computer/ tablet/ smartphone…

OK, that’s going to make it a little tricky but it can still be done! This company has been around for 14 years – what do you think the Distributors before us did before smart phones and tablets were invented?

You can spend an hour a week scheduling posts on a public library computer for the upcoming week, and asking people to call or text you. Getting your face out there is going to be an important thing for you too while building your business. But give it a few months, and you’ll be able to buy yourself a new gadget out of your commission cheque to make life that little bit easier.

My friends are all broke…

Sucks for them eh? Lucky there are other people out there who have money and are just waiting for you to approach them with this product they don’t even know they want yet! Don’t limit yourself to your immediate surroundings. Do that, and you’ve already lost.

My friends and family are skeptics and/or won’t support me…

Ahh yes…the old “I’ll believe it if you start making some real money off it”

Tell you what – if you don’t believe in yourself, why should they?! Your family’s natural instinct is to save you from doing something stupid, but what they don’t realise until they see it in action is that this business has huge potential if you apply yourself to it. Instead of giving in to their skepticism, set an example for them. Show them what it looks like to build an empire from the ground up. Stick to your guns and in 3 to 5 years they’ll be eating their words (and kicking themselves that they didn’t join you sooner!)

I’ll have to ask my husband…

Stop right there, sister! This is your way of saying ‘Thanks, but even though I have all this information now I still can’t be bothered.’

We both know your husband is probably going to say no, because he thinks it’s not going to go anywhere! Let me tell you something – I had been a Distributor for almost 2 weeks before it came up in conversation with Josh…

“Oh, by the way, I used the last of my savings to start my business. But don’t worry, it’s doing really well and I’ve already broken even. This is how much money I’m going to be making when I reach this rank *shows him the chart*.”

“Alright, I’ll believe it when I see it. As long as we have’t lost any money.”

My Diamond upline was operating for 4 months before she told her hubby about it. This is not saying you should be deceptive about it, it’s saying you should pop your big girl pants on and make your own decision on this one. He will thank you for it when you buy him a new truck for Christmas this year!

A wise woman once told me “Sometimes it’s better to ask forgiveness rather than permission”.

So what are you going to do? Keep sitting there not earning money, or step a little out of your comfort zone, choose your hours, be your own boss, work for your money and reap the rewards?

The answer is simple. The rest is up to you.

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Contact me via my website http://www.mamagusandthewrappers.com or message me on Facebook http://www.facbook.com/mamagusandthewaddlers

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Mama Güs: On the Politically Incorrect

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I’ve been following the story of The Prime Minister and The Waitress, like many other New Zealanders (and apparently The World) and I have to say… wow. Key has royally f***ed up this time!

If you have been living under a rock, have a read of this and then pop back here – http://thedailyblog.co.nz/2015/04/22/exclusive-the-prime-minister-and-the-waitress/

I’m keen to discuss this – not only because of my love of the law but also because of the mixed response the NZ public has had to Key’s “horsing around” and The Waitress’ claims of sexual harassment.

So for a start, what does the law say about sexual harassment?

S62 (2) of the Human Rights Act 1993 says:

“It shall be unlawful for any person (in the course of that person’s involvement in any of the areas to which this subsection is applied by subsection (3)) by the use of language (whether written or spoken) of a sexual nature, or of visual material of a sexual nature, or by physical behaviour of a sexual nature, to subject any other person to behaviour that—

  • (a)is unwelcome or offensive to that person (whether or not that is conveyed to the first-mentioned person); and

  • (b)is either repeated, or of such a significant nature, that it has a detrimental effect on that person in respect of any of the areas to which this subsection is applied by subsection (3).”

(I have highlighted key words in there myself, just to be clear)

Sexual harassment involves a variety of behaviours, one of which is unwanted physical contact. This DEFINITELY falls within that category, and anyone saying otherwise has been seriously sucked in by the bulls**t he’s touting. “Joking around” is not a joke unless both sides find it funny. This is not “horse play”, it’s not “child-like and endearing” – this is a grown man, the First Among Equals at the head of our government, bullying a woman who is just trying to do her job. Even his own wife didn’t condone his behaviour!

There are a variety of remedies available under the Act which include restraining orders, damages for humiliation and pecuniary loss, or an apology. The problem here is what exactly does an apology constitute?

According to our PM, a couple of bottles of wine does the trick.

No, no, no, sir. Not good enough. And if he gets away with that, it’s a slap in the face to the Rule of Law. We are all subject to the law, whether rich or poor, old or young, slimy politician or underpaid waitress. The law states that sexual harassment is against the law. By definition, this behaviour is sexual harassment. Therefore, ergo, thus, hence – JK needs to be held to account. If he’s not, suddenly it becomes OK for people in power to blatantly ignore the laws they themselves have written. Democracy says no.

Here’s the second point of interest for me – why do people think this is OK?

I’m utterly appalled at some of the comments I’ve read:

‘If it was a young, nice looking guy she wouldn’t have kicked up a fuss’

‘This shows what a wonderful country N.Z. is – the news have nothing of importance to report.’

‘This is rubbish, what does she hope to achieve’

‘Are people to precious these days they can’t accept something like that without making a big fuss over it. I say to the girl Get Over It.’ [sic]

And one of my personal faves…

‘This is seriously blown out of proportion, sure he shouldn’t have acted that way but its not like he hurt anyone.. or comitted a serious crime. Obviously the woman isn’t a national supporter. Get the feck over it.’ [sic]

There should be one universally accepted attitude to sexual harassment: It is wrong, it is disgraceful, it is harmful, and it was not deserved.

How DARE people tell her to get over it, like it was a race to get the last Lewis Road chocolate milk on the shelf and she just missed out? How DARE people say she was ‘probably asking for it’? How DARE people speculate that she is obviously not a National supporter? She could have been – though I sure as s**t doubt that she is now.

A woman does not have to simply accept sexual harassment and move on. She has every right to make a noise and call out anyone who is harassing her. Do not presume to cheapen her claim by speculating it’s because she doesn’t like the guy, saying she should just let it go, or commenting on her physical appearance.

Maybe, just maybe, in 2.5 years’ time the 1 million people who didn’t get off their useless arses and vote will stand up and cast this bloody government off the pedestal. What more is it going to take? How many more people have to suffer?

Let me tell you something – if that were my daughter he was harassing, I’d be roping him to the back of a bronco and letting it shoot off through his Helensville electorate. There’s your horse-play, mate.

Mama GÜs: Working hard, hardly working

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Forgive me whanau, for I have sinned – it has been too long since my last blog entry.

Guess what though? I went back to school! And I’m feeling so cool…

Not really. I sit in the front row of my lectures, next to nobody, with the words ‘Mature Student’ burnt into the back of my skull. Yep, I’m one of THEM. I have answered so many questions (correctly) that now every time I raise my hand the lecturer looks at me, winks, and jokingly says “Let’s give someone else a chance, hey?” (He’s a Saffer) (I think) before finding some dropkick in the back row who was busily watching cat videos on YouTube and not actually listening to the question, letting them bungle their way through a terrible answer, then uttering a despondent “yeah…not exactly. Anyone else?” while my eyes bore into his forehead, trying to force my answer telepathically into his head so we can move on and learn all the things.

What a pity I don’t test as well as I answer questions.

Yep, I’m fairly confident that my first LAWS121 test was a complete and utter failure. You know those ones where you rock up with a belly full of hash browns, use the bathroom beforehand so as not to feel the need halfway through (because you’re a responsible, forward-thinking type), line your (3) pens up on the desk and plunge yourself into a meditative state so as to focus yourself and clear your mind for all the brilliant ideas to flow out organically and effortlessly…then spend too long on the first question, freak out and word-vomit your way through the rest of the hour, emerging from the room into the bright sunshine and thinking to yourself “well, fuck, back I go to hospo!”?

Yeah. Well. That happened.

I guess in two weeks’ time I’ll know how I really did when they read out IN CLASS the people who failed, but for now I’m pretty certain I muffed that one good and proper.

So, yeah, studying Law now. Actually, studying Law again, because did I mention I tried 5 years ago and didn’t make the cut? Awkwaaaaaaard….

The past 6 weeks has been full of skipped breakfasts, spontaneous sushi, and sugarfree energy drinks. Needless to say, the weightloss has come to a screaming halt! All that delicious muscle tone I was developing last year has started to soften again. Actually, wait, not ALL of it.

I went to my wedding dressmaker’s yesterday to get re-measured so they can start making my dress and it was, in a word, interesting. See in the last 4 months I’ve lost 2 inches from my belly (for real, and I’ll tell you how soon!) but get this…I’ve gained two inches in my Over-and-Under Bust! (not the actual boobs themselves, they have stayed the same, so I’m feeling a little ripped off) Yep. That’s right. I’m getting pecs. On the one hand, my underarm fat is lessening. On the other…freakin’ PECS.

Hold the phone, Mama. Did you just say you lost two inches from your belly? (and hips, though I didn’t say that before did I?)

Yep.

OK, I’m embarrassed to admit this (a little) because I was so gung ho about ‘doing it right’ and only using diet and exercise to change my body but what’s done is done and all I have to say is…It Works!

Have you heard of those crazy wrap things? I’m sure you’ve seen them all over the interwebs and, like me, thought “ugh, I can’t believe people fall for those crappy scams”. Then I joined a group where real New Zealand women genuinely SWEAR by the bloody things. Not only that, but one of my close friends whose opinion I highly value and respect told me she had used them herself and they actually do what they say they do…WHAAAAAAT? No way! I had to have a go. I got the go-ahead from Mr Chef and off I went and bought a packet of 4.

When you do these things, you leave them on for at least 45 minutes (you can do it overnight if you really want, but 45 minutes is all you need) and then over the course of the next 72 hours drink at least 2 litres of water per day. Take before and after pics, and good consistent measurements.

Before first wrap - 26/3/15

Before first wrap – 26/3/15

Before 3rd wrap - 9/4/15

Before 3rd wrap – 9/4/15

First wrap side view

First wrap side view

3rd wrap side view

3rd wrap side view

It’s quite hard to tell visually (especially because I’m clearly standing further away from the mirror in the 3rd wrap photos, which is very deceptive) but get a load of these measurements:

Pre- first wrap:

Waist = 79cm, Belly = 91cm, Hips = 101cm

After the 72 hours was up I had lost nothing from my waist, 2cm from my belly and a whopping 7cm from my hips.

Pre- third wrap:

Waist = 75cm, Belly = 86cm, Hips = 94cm

It’s been 48 hours and I’m currently sitting at 73/86/93 – fuck yeah!

So yeah, they work. You have to drink an awful lot of water, but I’ve downloaded an app called Water Balance and for my height and weight I’m meant to be drinking 2.4L of water per day anyway, so I have been tracking my water intake using that. My skin is pretty awesome at the moment, even after the achocalypse of Easter, which I’m putting down to all that extra water consumption.

Here's what it look like on...

Here’s what it looks like on…yes that’s Glad Wrap.

If you're extra thrifty like me, cut it in half after you've finished wrapping your tummy and do your hips with the leftover gel! And then your arms!

If you’re extra thrifty like me, cut it in half after you’ve finished wrapping your tummy and do your hips with the leftover gel! And then your arms!

The wraps also make your poos smell awful, just in case you were wondering. All that broken down adipose tissue making its way down and out.

Anyway, that’s me for now! If I hibernate over the next few weeks don’t be alarmed – I still love writing to you and I’ll be back, I promise! Just need to get this essay and nasty exam out of the way.

Any exam hack tips and tricks for me? Please tell me all of them, I need all the help I can get!

Want your own amazing results? Then head on over to http://www.mamagusandthewrappers.com/ and get them!

XXMG

Mama Güs Flies South

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On Sunday 1st February, LJ, OG and myself found ourselves at the Wellington airport (Elle, I owe you a bottle of wine for organising our transport there – thanks again!) unable to check in… brilliant! We bloody would be the ones to encounter a road block at our very first stop, wouldn’t we?

It turns out that somewhere along the line, either our travel agent or the Air NZ system booked the baby on the toddler’s lap. Unfortunately, if you’re under 12 you’re not allowed to have an infant in your care, so the computer threw a wobbly at us for 45 minutes until finally no less than four attendants were able to collectively fix the issue and check us in!

The first flight was… interesting. Not only was it half an hour late leaving which was causing problems at the other end, but my children had clearly decided it was Drive Mum To Drink day. Fuck me, was I glad to see mum and my sister at the Auckland International!

The flight from Auckland to Raro was pretty good, all things considered. The disappointing thing was that I only discovered the booze was free halfway through the flight! And of course, they cut beverage service half an hour before landing. What a ripoff!

We landed in Raro at 10:30pm Saturday 31st January. Mind. Fuck. It was insanely hot, it must have been at least 26°C at that time of night. I was not prepared, and the heat never let up! I’m pretty sure I lost about 5kg of water weight with the amount off sweat coming off me while we were there.

Sunday

With everything in the Cook Islands closed for church, we took today as an opportunity to explore our surroundings at the resort. We were stoked to discover that not only were we right next to the beach, but so was the pool! We drank piña coladas out of a fish bowl (seriously, that’s what they’re called!) and sunned our pasty white bodies. I also took my camera to the beach to get some shots, which sadly went for a swim when the tide suddenly rose out of nowhere! Still, I managed to get some great photos on my tablet.

Madame Bunhead on the beach

Madame Bunhead on the beach

You can see why they call this place Paradise, amiright?

You can see why they call this place Paradise, amiright?

The day concluded with a buffet dinner at the resort, which was full to bursting with local dishes and NZ Beef and Lamb! Easy enough to stick to your diet, if you can resist the temptation of a gigantic Baked Alaska…

Monday

Everything is open! We catch the clockwise bus into town in the morning, driven by the colourful Mr. Hopeless who alleged he was on day release from the prison (until 4pm). Our first stop is the pearl shop… because it’s the nearest place with air conditioning! We trawl the main drag in search of the supermarket. The prices are exorbitant! $8.60 for 1L of milk, $13.99 for a head of cauliflower! In the interest of conserving moolah, I decide I’m fine with brown rice with our lamb stew tonight! Oh, and don’t forget to pick up your $30 bottle of Lindauer… I suggest buying your booze from a liquor store, the prices are on par with some of our Liquor Kings and Mills!

We catch the clockwise bus again and get to see the whole island on the way back to the resort. Tonight, we also discover tiny geckos everywhere! We let them roam our walls in the hopes they’ll eradicate some of the teeny weeny ants that are getting into EVERYTHING.

Casually inserts cute family photo

Casually inserts cute family photo

Tuesday

It’s my little sister’s 21st birthday in NZ! Last night we spent a good amount of time arguing over who was going to drive the scooter if we hired one. Each of us had a fair point – neither of us trusted the other to not kill us on the road. Off we trotted to the rental place to organise a ride for the day. For $35 I got a 115cc scooter and a temporary Cook Islands license which was good for the next 26 hours, but first, I had to sit my driving test…

I got to the grassy area where they keep the vehicles and handed over my documents. The young lad taking my test managed to convey that he wanted me to sit on the back of the scooter, then proceeded to drive me around. He was talking the whole time, but I’m not sure if it was English or Cook Islands Māori he was speaking… I did manage to catch one question – “Have you driven a motorbike before?” Er… Yes. Quad bikes count, right? How hard could it be?

Kinda hard, it turns out! I even managed to hit part of a coconut tree on my first lap around the course! Thankfully, he didn’t see that. Somehow, I was declared roadworthy and sent on my merry way.

The road rules in the Cook Islands are pretty simple:

– Speed limit is 40km/h if not wearing a helmet, 50km/h if wearing a helmet

– No riding two abreast

– Watch out for stray dogs who have a death wish

– Don’t park under a coconut tree

Turns out my sister and I needn’t have squabbled over who was going to drive, when she saw me wobbling down the road she was pretty convinced that she was fine being the passenger. And a great passenger she was, too! On our way back from the supermarket she ascertained that it was us everyone was beeping at on the road, not because we were a couple of MILFs on a scooter, but because my indicator was on and nobody could figure out why we weren’t turning left…

The locals are bloody hoons on their scooters! Me, I was quite happy to stick to the speed limit. Take 40km/h, add dodgy suspension, a pillion, no helmets, and potholes the size of a toddler swimming pool (and just as deep) with a healthy dose of tropical rain all over your sunglasses and you’ve got a recipe for a trip to A&E. Extreme caution is advised!

Such rain. Many potholes.

Such rain. Many potholes.

We spent the evening watching the incredible Island Night and eating from a delicious buffet, then once the kids were in bed we went back to the bar, drank far too many cocktails and stumbled home at midnight. Party animals!

Wednesday

Ouch. But lots of sun and swimming.

Lounging

L8gan helping me dowb the bank

And that progress shot I promised!

And that progress shot I promised!

Thursday

Today’s activity was the highlight of our week! We went on Captain Tama’s glass bottom boat and saw hundreds of beautiful tropical fish, moray eels and a leatherback turtle! The fish were so tame, they came close enough to touch when we were out snorkeling.

Their first time on a boat. Big brother holds little sister's hand and makes sure she's safe ♡

Their first time on a boat. Big brother holds little sister’s hand and makes sure she’s safe ♡

We stopped off at No Touching Island and had a beautiful fresh fish BBQ with delicious tuna and some local produce. This was followed by a demonstration of how to husk and open a coconut, and how to extract the cream from the white meat. I even got a full green coconut to myself, given to me by the guide, Chocolate (Paraone, to the boys!) who wanted to make sure I had enough milk to feed the baby. He gave her some of the immature jelly-like meat from the green coconut to munch on, which she seemed to love! We watched a man scale a coconut tree in under 10 seconds and lazed on the beach. What a life!

Bia gives me a coconut demo

Bia gives me a coconut demo

Getting an excellent tan!

Getting an excellent tan!

Giggles on the boat

Giggles on the boat

The day lasted from 10am to 3pm, so it’s no wonder the tykes were all tuckered out before we were even halfway home!

Tucjered out tykes

Friday

The day I’ve been excited and nervous about since Tuesday! You see, the reson we actually went in to town that day was to book in my newest artwork…

So, 7:40am the bus rocks up to reception. Actually, it’s more like 7:50am, because Island Time is actually a thing over there. Like, “look at the sun, looks like it’s somewhere around 10am. Yep, cool, we’ll go with 10am” Island Time. Not NZ Island Time – “yes, I own a watch and I use it often so I can always be no more than10 minutes late”.

Anyway, anyway. Bus rocks up. Appointment is at 8:30am, next bus is at 8am BUT it’s the anticlockwise bus, so we would be late if we caught it. I go around and pay the driver while mum gets Bia out of the pram. She comes around with this look of horror on her face and I’m like ‘come on man, hurry up’ and she says two words, in capital letters. MASSIVE. POONAMI.

Oh my little angel. Sure enough, all up her back, all over the pram, and all over mum. Runny mango chicken poos with bits of rehydrated raisin speckled throughout. She sure knows her timing, does our girl!

We manage to get her on the bus where LJ is sitting patiently on a mama’s lap. We’re both pretty shocked that he’s sitting quietly on a stranger’s knee, but thankful he’s happy as we’re cleaning up the carnage while the bus bumps along the main road.

We get to the market and LJ happily chases around chooks while the pram gets a clean, then off we trot to find coffee. The skies open up and we manage to find a caravan with some canvas umbrellas. The coffee is surprisingly tasty, and halfway through we figure out it’s made with coconut cream instead of milk. Makes sense though, why use milk which is horrendously expensive when you can stretch a native resource just as well as you can soy milk, pop it in the joe and not even mention it’s coconut, just watch people drink it, like it, then slowly realise it’s not what they thought it was but keep drinking it anyway?!

8:30am rolls around and the sky clears and the birds come out again, so we head off to the tattoo place. Hilariously, we get our first proper run in with Real Legit Hardcore Island Time. The tattooist is there, but his mate who is doing the outline is…wait for it…1 and a half hours late! But it’s cool, because it gives me time to feed the baby, figure out a design, learn about the medicine tree in the backyard, and have a real conversation with a local about surfing, insects, bloody coconuts, rugby, kids, and tourists!

Finally his mate shows up, and we get started.

Getting tatt

It’s pretty sore, but not as bad as the big one on my side! I find I can breathe through it, and in under an hour he’s done the outline and his partner finishes the shading. These guys have got some serious moves! I’ve never had someone draw a design on with a ballpoint pen before (as well as using the carbon paper method, I might add), and I’ve never had a tattooist use the same needle for block colour, lines and shading until now!

The new addition, still a little tender!

The new addition, still a little tender!

Saturday/Actually Sunday in NZ

Home time. Up we get at sparrow’s flatulence in the morning, 4am NZ time, and the next 12 hours are spent in transit. There’s no free booze on the way home which is a shame, but at least the kids both slept on the whole flight from Auckland to Wellington. I even got some shuteye too, and woke up with my entire boob hanging out of my singlet – so if you’re the person who was sitting next to me on that flight, I’m very sorry you had to see that.

It’s a bit cold here in the South Pacific. I think we need another family holiday – and by that I mean just Josh and I. The kids can stay home this time!

Next trip will be our honeymoon at the end of December. Where would you go?

Ahh, Rarotonga. I want to come back. Take your time, and hurry up.

XXMG

 

 

Mama Güs Time Travels

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Happy New Year everyone! It’s been over a month since my last piece and I’ll let you in on a little secret – Denial is not just a river in Egypt, I’ve been drowning in it this month!

A couple of weeks ago on January 12th I wrote this about myself in a private Facebook group:

‘This morning I stood in front of the mirror in our bedroom and I genuinely liked my body. I can see the old tone coming back and the shape I loved! Said to Josh “Oh my God, this diet and exercise Nazi shit is working! And he said “Fuck yeah, you look hot! You’re doing great babe.”

Wooooooooo!

PS I love my stretch marks. They are so beautiful ♡’

Today… well… I still love my stretch marks, but my diet and exercise has suffered in the last few weeks! I’ve had a run of bad luck which is really what it boils down to. After a foot injury from an unfortunate Foot vs Toy Train incident on the 2nd of January, I spent bang on 2 weeks hobbling around struggling to walk, let alone intensively exercise. My 30 Day Shred lasted 4 days when I finally benched it and moved to low intensity abs instead. Then, the day I was comfortable walking and exercising on that foot again, I was mowing the lawns when the bloody bastard catcher fell off the back of the mower and flung a bee into my gumboot, which promptly stung me in the EXACT SAME SPOT the train had landed on! Now, I’ve never been allergic to bees in my life, so imagine my surprise when my foot swelled up like a blowfish and stayed that way for a week and a half! For your amusement…

Lefty's having a fat day

Lefty’s having a fat day

So there’s that. And then yesterday, after 2 days of ‘what do you want for dinner’ I gave up and said “let’s just get some bread rolls so we can graze all day, I really can’t be bothered!” Later, while I was making myself a sandwich my darling OH said “be careful how many of those bread rolls you eat babe…” to which I replied “beg ya pardon?!”

“Well it’s just… last week you were looking really slim and… now your tummy’s really bloated.”

Bless him.

But of course, he’s absolutely right. He’s often right, and I will always admit when he is (much to my dismay)! From now on I’m going to combat the evil grain fallback by just cooking dinner and not asking what people ‘feel like’. I’m taking the ‘Eat It Or Bloody Well Starve’ approach 😉

The thing is, now that my foot has healed and I’m only just feeling confident that I can rekindle my relationship with Jillian Michaels and not totally incapacitate myself, it’s the hottest time of year here in NZ with 30°C+ in Upper Hutt, and between that horrible heat, the bastard fucking SWARMS of disgusting flies that comes with it, a teething 6mo and a terrible (terrific) 2yo I am finding little to no motivation to work up a sweat! I mean, I just washed my hair, for crying out loud!

There is one last motivator immediately available to me though… my new (seriously cheap!) bikini and culottes arrived from ASOS today and while I don’t really care what I look like for the other people at the resort, I’d love to have some great photos to show Josh when we get back from Rarotonga! We’re leaving on Sunday for a week. So, in a week’s time (for me, a week and a day for you) while I’m sitting by the pool drinking piña coladas and tanning this paper white ass, I’ll post you an update – this bikini HAS TO FIT! I may even have a new weight to post, at the start of the year I was sitting at just under 74kgs…

Until Raro, I leave you with these!

XXMG

Front view of the new 'kini

Front view of the new ‘kini

Side view

Side view

Side view of the new shorts - top is an oldie from Boohoo.com

Side view of the new shorts – top is an oldie from Boohoo.com

Mama Güs’ Top 5 Xmas Tips

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It’s the hap-happiest time of the year! The tree is up, the decorations are on the top half only (parents of babies and toddlers will feel me), the presents are still hidden – yet to be wrapped – in various locations around the house to A) satisfy my paranoia that if we get broken into, at least they may not find and steal EVERY hard-earned gift, and 2) ensure the other half doesn’t find out what he bought himself for Xmas yet (I’m a feckin’ brilliant hider of presents, any time of the year).

Best of all, for the first time in 3 years I’ve managed to make it to Xmas without getting pregnant again! That deserves a champagne breakfast I reckon.

In my opinion, this really is the most wonderful time of the year (even more so since I’ve had children!) because there’s nothing better than finding the perfect gift for everyone, sitting around the tree in the morning watching crazy kids rip the shit out of wrapping paper, and then stuffing your face full of ham and pavlova before rolling yourself outside to have an afternoon nap under a tree. Followed by two weeks of ham at every. bloody. meal. Waste not!

Christmas time is full of end-of-year work do’s, batshit crazy frenzy shopping, alcohol-fueled romance, toddlers who are terrified of the scary red man with the big white beard, and then to top it all off there’s a big old party to celebrate another year over, a new one just begun. So without further ado, here’s a few things to think about as we embark on the final two weeks of the year:

1: You’ll be going back to work next year, so you probably shouldn’t get naked at the staff party…

Staff parties are awesome (especially if you work in hospo). They’re your boss’s way of saying “I appreciate you. Please don’t leave me. Here, have 12 shots of tequila. I love you too.” They’re a place where you can get a little bit silly – it is the silly season, after all – and blow off a little steam with your colleagues before you take between 2 to 6 weeks’ holiday over the Summer. But don’t forget, after that break you’re going to go back (unless you’re heading to a new job) and while it might seem like an awesome idea at the time to stand naked on a balcony table and show the passers-by your helicopter, smartphones and the internet exist, and Janine from Accounts is still kinda pissed at you for stealing her tuna on rye last month…

2: The most popular birth date in NZ is 28th September…

So buy your pregnancy tests now, before they start flying off the shelves at the end of January. Or, alternatively, buy condoms! They’re cheaper, and you get more bang for your buck.

3: It’s a lovely gesture, but your 9-month-old nephew doesn’t want an iPad.

Parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles and anyone else with a significant small person in your life – I get that the temptation to buy a berjillion gifts for your small person is overwhelming. I guess it’s each to their own here, and at the end of the day you can buy them as much or as little as you damn well see fit, but IMHO peaking too soon is setting yourself up for a bit of financial strain in the future – it’s like starting at a corvette instead of working up from a balance bike. How do you even top that next year? Forward-planning, folks.

An excellent idea I’ve come across a couple of times is to wrap up a full box of tissues and give it to your baby or toddler. It might sound like a stink gift to you, but you’re not two. You don’t get the same kick out of ‘Pull The Tissues Out One By One And Then Put Them All Back In’ but trust me, the kid is loving it. Then the following year, you can wrap your plasticware cupboard door and let them go to town ‘organising’. Baby steps.

4: Despite what you think, you’re not the only person shopping at the supermarket this week.

Oh please, by all means, leave your trolley in the middle of the goddamn aisle. And yes, it’s may favourite thing to practice using my xray vision to see through you when you stop in front of the shelf I’m looking at.

And don’t be a dick to the staff, because nobody should have to listen to Christmas carols by One Direction and Mariah Carey on repeat 12 hours a day. “Where is the apple sauce, please?” will get you a much better response (“aisle 4, ma’am, come I’ll show you to it”) than “Get out of my way, I need apple sauce!” (“It’s not here, it’s in a different aisle!”). Yes, they realise that ‘it’s the customer who ultimately pays their wages’ (what a bitch! God I still remember that woman’s face to this very day. So pitbullish.) but that doesn’t make them your bitch. Calm the fuck down, and follow them to aisle 4.

It’s also a good idea to allow plenty of time for your shopping because while you may think you can be in and out in 20 minutes, I guarantee you that’s how long you’re going to spend in the line at the checkout! Yet another reason why online grocery shopping is the bomb.

5: Going out for dinner or drinks on New Year’s Eve is awesome! For you…

You’re out for an awesome dinner, the chef has pulled out all the stops, the restaurant has pulled 40 extra tables out of its arse and there’s only so many workers you can fit on the floor so the wait staff, bartenders and kitchen are getting rammed from every angle imaginable. But do they stop? Fuck no! They’re here to give you a memorable New Year’s, and they’re gonna damn well do it! They’ll keep the champagne flowing, they’ll hide your engagement ring in your soon-to-be fiancee’s dessert, they’ll give you an extra shot in your cocktail, and they’ll smash out seven courses for 80 tables like they’re cooking for their lives. They will give you their heart and soul tonight! So, what with Christmas being the time of giving, it’s only fair to give back! Add an extra beer or a shot of tequila to your bill for them to have after service (or when the clock strikes 12), or leave them a tip so they can buy themselves a new pair of shoes after they’ve worn through their soles tonight. They don’t get paid as well as you think they do, and while they will never expect you to tip, they will appreciate it immensely. And make sure you pop by the kitchen window and thank the boys and girls for the meal! Those guys love having their egos caressed 😉

 

Merry Crimbo, one and all! Have a safe holiday, and best of luck for the new year – whatever it has in store for you. Me? I’m going back to uni, AND getting MARRIED! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

Mama Güs is ready to quit

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I’m done. Screw it. Had enough. I quit! I can’t do this 80/20 primal thing any more! I went in promising myself that I wouldn’t let anyone or anything make me eat the foods that make me feel slow, lethargic, fat and useless, and I broke that promise, and keep doing it at least once a week! It’s either all or nothing, no in-between.

I choose ALL.

There, I said it. All Primal, no grains, no legumes, no sugar. No. Fucking. Excuses! I QUIT SHIT!

I’ve been trying to adhere to this lifestyle as best I can since, what, September? Ish. I started off really well, went through those nasty sugar withdrawals that turn me into a fire breathing dragon and give me the junkie shakes – no wonder, refined sugar is like Cocaine for the brain, it takes a lot of willpower to kick that habit in the ass. Then the weekend rolled around, and instead of cooking dinner we phoned in pizza. And it began again, quickly turning into a vicious cycle of angry withdrawals followed by a cheat day followed by angry withdrawals…

I’ve been using exercise as a way to channel that anger, but I can’t exercise every waking minute of the day – I don’t have that kind of stamina! Consequently I’ve been walking around with a face like a smacked arse on the low days. I must be a really fun person to be around.

The last few weeks have been hard. I’ve been measuring myself often, about once a week or every 10 days, and while I’ve noticed that my pants are looser and my waist is definitely smaller, there’s one thing I haven’t been able to change lately – that spare tyre around my middle. After the first month, I had lost an inch, but now it’s back again. I found it hiding in a Chinese Takeaway box.

So now what?

Well it’s time to regroup and focus again on the end game – The Wedding. 1 year, 2 weeks and 1 day from now that pooch is gonna be ancient history, my arms will be lean and toned, and those love handles will be gone daddy gone. I’ll be standing there next to my handsome husband and I will feel like his equal in sexiness, not some frumpy lumpy puffed up meringue. We will look bloody BRUCE in those wedding photos!

Am I Primal today? Yes. And every day henceforth. I will make dinner. I will not eat takeaways. I will kick my own arse every day in my workouts, because the only person I’m cheating is myself, and cheating doesn’t get me the body I want. So take a good look guys, because this is the last time you’re going to see me like this:

So many wobblies

So many wobblies

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Are you on a health and wellbeing journey? How do you stay motivated? How are you progressing so far?